Through the Looking Glass I See
by moonswirl
Summary: Gleekathon, days 867-868, 874-875, 881-882: top 16, number 1: Boston Britt series, following 'Never Flew So High' - As Santana moves into her own apartment, Brittany wants to know her side of the months she's been away.
1. The Day You Left

_Started my daily ficlets to make the hiatus pass, then decided to keep going with a 2nd cycle, and then a 3rd, 4th, etc through 41st cycle. Now cycle 42!_

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><p><em><strong>INTRODUCING "CHEAT SHEET" - <strong>If you want to know ahead of time when a certain series will be updated next, just reassemble the link below and check out the list, save it, print it, bookmark it, whatever you need!  
>Go to: <span>gleekathon [dot] tumblr [dot] com [slash] cheatsheet<span>_

_** UPDATED WITH CYCLE 42 CHEAT SHEET **_

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><p><strong>Countdown cycle #4 - <strong>Yes, it's that time again, where I select 16 favorite things (characters, ships, friendships...) from Glee and give them each a ficlet, and a chapter fic for #1. The previous countdown cycles, if you want to check them out, were c10 [days 190-210], c25 [days 505-525], and c29 [days 589-609]. Like the last countdowns, the #1 story is split in 3 blocks, the chapters posted on Tuesdays and Wednesdays over these three weeks, with #16 to #2 from Thursdays to Mondays.  
><strong>Coming in at #1... -<strong> _the countdown resumes with #11 on Thursday!_

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><p><strong>"Through the Looking Glass"<br>Brittany, Santana, Brittana  
>(technically while #1 does go to Brittany, this story is very much holding to Brittana,<br>and it's mostly from Santana's POV, but you guys won't complain, will you? ;))  
>Boston Britt series #4 (following 'Never Flew So High') <strong>

**1. The Day You Left**

Her roommates had offered go come with her and help, but she wanted to do this on her own, as a surprise. Santana had finally gotten her own apartment, after living with Artie's aunt and uncle for a month. She'd been working, waitressing for two weeks already. She hated it, and Brittany would sit patiently and listen to her unload about her days, but she needed the money so she would bear it. Upon leaving the Abrams', she'd handed them an envelope with money, with gratitude for their putting her up since her arrival in Boston. Her apartment, the first to her name, was… Well, it would need a lot of work not to look like something had died there… several times over. Brittany didn't like her living there, but Santana promised she'd be alright, and tried as she might Brittany couldn't convince her otherwise. So at the very least, they could make it better.

While Santana was off at work, Brittany had gone to the apartment, using the key she'd been given to let herself in. She had used a couple of her suitcases and borrowed one off Tessa and two off Aimee to bring everything she needed; she'd had to take a cab. She looked upon the place with hope and determination. Santana had sacrificed so much to be here, with her, and she didn't like this place. She imagined her staying here, looking at these walls… If she was going to be here, then she might as well have something pretty to look at.

For hours and hours, Brittany cleaned any and all displeasing surface. She couldn't do paint, not now, not by herself, but that didn't have to stop her. She would bring in color, life… She'd give her a home. A lot of the things she brought were her own, or donations from Aimee and Tessa and a couple other girls on their floor. She'd made a trip to the mall for some other things, too. Now all she had to do was to set it up. At some point she'd need a new bed, new couch… television would be nice, too… But when she was done, she was pleased… very pleased. This was more like it. The final touch was a personal one. She'd dipped into her stock of pictures she'd received from home, from the Glee Club, put them around the apartment. Santana had lost them too, coming here; she could say all she wanted, but Brittany knew she missed them, too.

Once she'd finished, the hours of work had hit hard, and in waiting for Santana she'd ended up falling asleep on the couch. She was awakened by a gentle touch to her cheek and she opened her eyes to find Santana standing over her, worn out from a long day but brightened just enough by the sight of her. "You're home…" She remembered what she'd been doing all day. "You're home!" she sat up, smiled. "Surprise…" she intoned, although she knew she would have seen her handiwork the moment she walked in the door.

"You did all this?" Santana looked around in awe. "When, today?" Brittany nodded.

"Do you like it?" she stood, stretching. Santana was quiet, maybe even speechless. "Do you hate it?" Brittany spoke, suddenly worried, which made Santana turn back to her, hug her close.

"I love it," she promised. "Oh, wait," she pulled back. "You're going to smell like French fries."

"That's okay, I like fries," Brittany shrugged, which made Santana laugh.

"I'm going to go shower, after that you tell me how this happened," she motioned around the apartment. When she'd returned, detangling her hair, she joined Brittany on the couch, looking deep in thought. "Hey… What's the matter?" Brittany looked up.

"It's my fault you have to live here," she declared. It had all looked great once she was done, but now she still saw the surface underneath, still realized this was a crappy apartment instead of a home back in Lima, with parents and comfort and…

"Hey, hey…" Santana sat by her, took her hands. "We've been through this. I'm here because of you, for you, but there's no fault. I'm here because I want to be. Remember that?" After a moment, Brittany nodded.

"Tell me about it?" she asked. Santana frowned, uncertain. "What happened, with you, with me… coming here," she went on. Santana nodded, understanding, sat back.

"From the beginning?" Brittany nodded. Santana took a breath. "You know I'm with you on all this, have been since you told us about your audition…"

X

_Eight months ago - Lima, Ohio_

Her brave face was well practiced. She could get cracked open by dumb things like tanning privileges getting revoked, but if that was cause for bravery then she had no part in it. Things like this day, that was what this face was for, days when the girl you loved told you that she could be moving off to attend this school out of state. Technically there was nothing certain, it was just an invitation to an audition, but who was she kidding if she pretended like she didn`t know how this would turn out? Brittany would audition, and then in a few weeks, when they'd send their answer, it would say that she was in. And Brittany, with this answer, well… She'd say yes, of course she would.

She hadn't even auditioned yet and Santana felt like she'd already left, like she'd lost her.

Once she was back in her room, alone, after being with her and Mike earlier, she'd shut the door, absently returning to sit on her bed. The realization had already happened, it wasn't as though she was pretending or in shock. She knew what was happening, but ever since she'd found out… all that mattered was for Brittany to see that she was with her, because if she showed any sort of doubt then… she could decide not to go through with it, and Santana didn't want to be responsible for that. Now she was alone though. Now whatever she felt was her own business, and no one would get hurt because of it, just her…

It seemed her face had been dry one moment and then the next it was just a mess of tears. It wasn't fair… Why now? Why now when it seemed they were so close, never closer to… They hadn't exactly defined it, but how would that have made it any better or worse? She was still going away, and she couldn't do a thing about it.

Brittany was special. She knew it explicitly, and now it seemed the world was finally taking notice. She deserved this chance, to get out of Lima and make it big. Selfishly, she didn't want it, but that was her cross the bear. If she said anything, then she was putting her own needs ahead of hers, and if she felt for her as she knew she did, then she couldn't do that. She had to keep her mouth shut, for both their sakes.

But immediately she just wanted to run to her, beg for her not to leave, to stay with her, to love her… She guessed that was always the way; the moment you got your act together, or started heading that way, you got bitch-slapped by the universe. Now she was devastated about the thought of Brittany leaving, and she was pissed off over being devastated… She needed to hit something, break something, and somehow center herself once again. She didn't want to be like this, all messed up and weird.

Her shock to the system would need to be achieved with a shower, the best thing she could do without raising any flags in her house. Maybe she was the one who needed the slap in the face, to tell her to just wake up and learn to live with her reality, the one she had known all along, before her emotions had gone haywire. Brittany had this great opportunity, deserved it and should go for it, and she loved her, so she wanted her to have it, would support her in any way she could.

She'd gone to bed not too long after, hair still wet, sticking to her back, keeping her cool. So long as she knew she understood this was right, she could still feel lousy, yes?

TO BE CONTINUED (TOMORROW)


	2. The Day I Had To Go Back

_A/N: Chapter 2! Tomorrow it's back to the countdown with #11 :) Chapter 3 will be on Tuesday!_

_A/N2: In case you're wondering with the timeline, which of the previous stories the chapters relate to:  
>Chapters 1 &amp; 2: Got Dancing Shoes to Fly Away<br>__Chapters 3 & 4: The Home Wall  
>Chapters 5 &amp; 6: Never Flew So High <em>

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><p><strong>"Through the Looking Glass"<strong>

**2. The Day I Had To Go Back**

_Six months ago – Lima, Ohio_

It could happen that they didn't see one another over the weekend. It was rare, but it happened. At least, when it did happen, she knew that, come Monday morning, she would return and find the blonde at her side once more. That was how it would be, would have been, except on that Monday morning, Santana was off to McKinley, and Brittany was off at her new school in Boston. They wouldn't be reunited this time, and it would stay that way so long as she was over there. She was not going to cry, wasn't so weak as to fall apart every time, but it didn't mean she didn't feel the distance weighing on her… heavier and heavier still. She did not envy the idiots who would dare annoy her today.

They were a pair, the two of them, had been for as long as they had known one another. Now she walked these halls alone and she felt incomplete. It wasn't just that she cared for her, loved her, she was a gentle soul and sometimes having her there was the only way she didn't go overboard.

Her mind had not adjusted, and there would be times she would turn to tell her something before remembering she wasn't there, finding instead… nothingness.

She tried to pay attention, in class… She couldn't be bothered. She'd regain some sense of normalcy after a few days, no doubt, but today was different. Today was her first day without her; she could be afforded some peace.

"I hear you made Jacob Ben Israel cry." She looked up from her lunch to find Quinn standing across the table from her, tray in hand.

"He had it coming," she shrugged. Quinn gestured a request to sit down and Santana nodded. The blonde sat down, and she could still feel her gaze. "What do you want?" she asked, calm.

"Remember when it was the three of us," Quinn gave her a smile, and Santana let out a breath.

"If you're here to try and… cheer me up… there's no need, I promise."

"Yeah, because you look so cheerful right now," Quinn pointed out.

"You know, I'm not actually that hungry," Santana put her fork down, moving to stand.

"Look, I know you miss her," Quinn spoke, hoping to halt her and succeeding. "We all know, and we're all there for you, or we would be if you let us."

"And why would I do that?" she sat back. "You're right, there were three of us, so you of all people should know." Quinn slowly nodded.

"You didn't say anything."

"But you knew. So you tell me: do I want to get cheered up right now?"

"Want to go Slushie someone? I hear it's cathartic," Quinn smirked, and it unseated a chuckle from Santana's throat. "Do Puck, he's probably got a few coming, with all the ones he's tossed," she shrugged. They both knew they wouldn't go through with it, but it was nice to imagine.

"Nice large raspberry one, Puckersmurf…" Santana laughed, shrunk into a smile… Quinn had gone and done it, even for a moment, gone and cheered her up. "Thanks," she had to admit gratitude. Quinn said welcome with a nod.

Quinn had given her this little amount of strength, and Santana would need it, to make it through the rest of the day. Afternoon would bring her the thing she'd dreaded the most, knowing she wouldn't be there with her… Glee Club. If it wouldn't be enough that everyone was apparently on cheer up detail, she'd have to sit through the period without Brittany there to speak in hushed tones with, or without her shoulder to rest her head on if the mood struck… As much as she'd grown to love Glee, without Brittany it lost some of its luster.

This was how it would be from now on… It wasn't just Glee Club that lost its luster, it was the whole thing… school, life itself… All she could hear in her head were Brittany's words, about feelings, and now she understood. She had owned up to her love for her, and now that love was off in Boston, not here with her, and it ached not to see her.

Finally the day was over. She'd done it… one day finished. No one had to ask her to leave; she couldn't exit fast enough. She had gone and picked up her little sister from school, then took her home. Having her there, it helped to keep her at least slightly at ease. Catalina had that same awareness as Quinn, it seemed. She stuck to Santana like her life depended on it. Good thing for her, she was her sweet sister, and she'd endure this from her. Every once in a while, she'd just take the girl up in her arms and give her a squeeze.

The skies had darkened and then it was night, time for bed… Sleep wouldn't come. She just laid there, waiting, waiting… but her eyes didn't even blink. Soon she'd see maybe she was waiting for her.

When the phone rang, she knew it would be her. She reached for her cell as she sat up. "Hello?" she answered, running a hand through her hair.

"Did I wake you up?" her voice made Santana's heart race.

"You really didn't," she smiled. "Couldn't sleep either?"

"No… I think it's the bed," Brittany complained. "I'm sitting in the hall, don't want to wake up my roommates," she went on. There was silence, the only sounds being ambient noise for half a minute, as though the mere fact that they had one another on the line was enough to sustain them.

"How… how was your first day?" Santana finally asked.

"It was okay," Brittany's voice told her maybe she was having trouble with the separation too, probably more so… She was the one who was in a city she didn't know, without a familiar face. But it'll get easier, right?" Brittany asked, hopeful.

"It will," Santana told her, told herself. 'Better be soon…' she thought.

TO BE CONTINUED (TUESDAY)


	3. The Day I Couldn't Write

_A/N: And we're back on number 1 for chapters 3 (today) and 4 (tomorrow)! :)_

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><p><strong>"Through The Looking Glass"<strong>

**3. The Day I Couldn't Write**

_Five months ago – Lima, Ohio_

They had all taken the 'Letters to Brittany' project to heart from the start, to send those pieces of home, paper, pictures, for her to hang on to with their words. She'd seen them at it, here and there, sitting and writing, or going around and taking pictures. It did touch her deeply, to see that they cared for Brittany so much as to do this for her, and still there was a problem: She hadn't written to her yet. She couldn't.

She tried, had tried… She'd probably been responsible for a tree's worth of paper being wasted on her attempts. It wasn't like they hadn't spoken at all. They'd call, they'd e-mail, but that wasn't the same thing. That was just day to day, worthless conversation just for the sake of touching base… There was something about putting pen to paper for this letter that told her it had to be more… something to hang on to. And she couldn't do it.

The last month had just been about adjusting, dealing with this situation in the best way she could. Brittany was off at school in Boston, and that was how it would stay for however long she was studying there. She'd get her back on holidays, in the summer, but otherwise she wouldn't see her all that much. She couldn't stay in that 'woe is me' stage forever. All that would get her would be to lose what they did have, and that wasn't going to be it. No, they'd find a way to make the best of it. For the time being, she had a… distraction to keep her occupied. Her name was Alexandra.

They'd been trying to find a new twelfth member for New Directions since even before Brittany's departure. She had not been welcoming of any part of it. How could they replace her? No, they'd get a new member, to have the required number for competition, but they were wildly deluded if they thought they could find someone who would equate or surpass Brittany Susan Pierce. She realized even finding people who would want to audition was a trial in and of itself, but she had standards, and they should too. At least some of the others would back her up on the matter, every once in a while, which helped expel the bad apples. But then the last one… hard as she tried – and it was a tour de force of an attempt – she couldn't remove her. She knew she'd despise her from her from the moment she'd walked in the door and introduced herself, with that big fake smile of hers. She introduced herself as Alexandra Baron, then immediately added that they could call her 'Allie, Alex, Lexie, Lexa, Al, anything you like.' Santana had instantly wanted to send her on her merry way, but was denied on the fact that she hadn't sung or danced yet. So she waited…

Her voice wasn't the most spectacular, but she could carry a tune. She could dance though, and while Santana could point out so many things to argue on, she'd been denied and Alexandra of a Hundred Names was allowed into Glee Club.

If it wasn't enough that the girl unshakeable in the most frustrating way, she had what one might call 'a mouth on her.' When she'd stood before Santana and, to her face, claimed she was hotter than her, it had taken half the Glee Club to hold her back while she let loose a barrage of Spanish insults. It was all of it, the 'claim,' the fake sunny disposition, the gazes, her presence in general, and one month's pent up frustrations over Brittany being gone, all rolled up into one.

It hadn't gotten rid of Alexandra, but at the very least it had decided the whole group of them on something: they would go up and visit Brittany in Boston in about a week and a half. That knowledge had given her new breath like she couldn't explain. And maybe it had also allowed, after a couple more days, for her to finally break through her 'letter writer's block.'

She'd been hearing odds and ends from the others, about this feeling like Brittany was having problems, over there in Boston. She had noticed some of it as well, but from what she'd known, she'd chalked it up to her being home sick. Now she was piecing it all together, and maybe there was more to it than what she thought… She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed, and she felt horrible for it. She realized that they were in different cities, in different states, and that their contact as it was now could easily hide what was really happening, especially as Brittany could bottle things up from time to time, fooling even her, but that usually didn't last once they saw each other… It had been a month since they'd been together now. One month without having her there in the same room, where she could look at her, talk to her, touch her…

One afternoon, sitting in Glee Club, a couple of them were arguing over some song or another, and as she'd done too many times to admit since her departure, Santana had turned to look at Brittany and tell her something… and there was her empty chair. She never let anyone sit there, kept it reserved for someone who would not come, could not come. She'd looked at the empty chair, and then she decided it was time to get over herself and write this letter to her. She had so much to tell her, so much she needed to hear, hopefully helping her through her problems, so no matter her previous concerns, she'd put those aside and focus on Brittany. At first she'd worried she still wouldn't get anywhere, but once she'd started writing, it was like she couldn't stop. Having to sit there and listen to them bickering was like kindling to fuel her fire. And once Alexandra had joined the debate with her 'opinion,' then the words just kept flying. When she was done, her hand was kind of shaking… but it was done.

She'd cautiously ripped the pages from her notebook, folded them neatly, and she'd gotten them in an envelope which she addressed to Brittany's room at her Boston school. Holding that envelope at the opening of the mailbox for a moment it would have seemed she held a carrier pigeon and was about to set it free, so that it may find her. Finally she'd dropped it in, let out a breath. It was done, and soon she would receive it, hopefully before their visit…

The visit… they would see her soon… she would see her soon… Just a little while longer now…

TO BE CONTINUED (TOMORROW)


	4. The Day I Had To Leave

_A/N: Tomorrow back to the countdown with #6, leading to the end of #1 on Tuesday and Wednesday!_

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><p><strong>"Through The Looking Glass"<strong>

**4. The Day I Had To Leave**

_Five months ago – On the road from Boston to Lima_

The visit had been much too brief for her liking, but she tried not to focus on that, instead focusing on the time they had spent together, all of them as a group and her and Brittany on their own… It did feel good to have this time with her, even if it was just for a few hours and then they had to start heading back. Time had been running at a snail's pace back in Lima, days piling on and on, but now the moment they had seen each other it was like no time had passed… They could have been outside McKinley, saying goodbye after the going away party, just a moment ago. It was only as they had a chance to sit, and really talk, that it all hit them all over again. Talking on the phone was one thing, but face to face it was as though they were unloading one month's worth of missed conversations.

As much as she would have liked to have her all to herself, the others had been just as anxious to see her, so they wanted to talk as well. Santana had ended up stepping out of the room, wandering down the hall, letting her feet take her where they would, trying to imagine Brittany's life here. Were these her classes, did she know this or that person, did she eat here?

She'd ended up, of all places, standing at the mailboxes. Her eyes had scanned all the numbers, falling to the box which would belong to her. She could imagine her, standing here, opening that box and finding letters from home, how it would make her smile so suddenly… Where her feet were now, this would be a place that brought her joy, and Santana liked that.

"Hey, there you are." She turned, unaware the words were directed at her until she saw it was one of the girls, her roommates… The girl must have seen the uncertainty in her eyes. "Aimee," she reminded.

"Right, sorry," Santana nodded.

"Don't worry about it," Aimee shrugged. Santana wasn't sure how to proceed from there, if they should go back to the room… Was Brittany looking for her? "It got kind of crowded in there for me, too," the blonde volunteered, and Santana grabbed on to it.

"Yeah, just needed some air," she nodded.

"Well let's go then," Aimee indicated the door. Santana hesitated, following after a moment. She was led to a bench and they sat down. "It's really nice of all of you to have come up like this. She's really missed all of you, we've seen…" she gestured, and Santana managed to understand she meant Brittany's wall, the letters and the pictures.

"How is she?" Santana asked, sharing a look with the girl that left nothing to misinterpretation. The rest of the club, her family, all of them and Santana herself, they could only know what Brittany wanted them to know, but Aimee and Tessa were living with her; they would know first-hand. And the face she got in response didn't inspire confidence.

"When I first met her… Probably didn't give her too much of a welcome, but we were just coming off of a bad situation with our previous roommate, and she was, well…"

"Yeah," Santana saved her from having to explain further, knowing how people could react to Brittany when they didn't know her.

"I feel bad about it now, I mean we all kind of went through that part when we got here, to one degree or another. Thank goodness for Tessa though, she was a better welcome wagon," she smiled to herself, then remembered herself and got back to her explanation. "Once I realized just how miserable she was…" Santana took a deep breath, picturing Brittany that way and hating that she couldn't be there for her. "You know… she was thinking about leaving? Going back?"

"Yeah, she… She didn't say it, but…" She shook her head, damning this feeling in her heart. "I knew this would be hard for her. Being away from home, on her own, a girl like her… she needs the people she loves, people who love her. But I just thought once she got here, eventually the dance part would kind of balance it out, you know?"

"It did," Aimee promised her. "Probably the one good thing she had about being here. That, and then the letters you guys sent, the pictures. I think she's getting better now."

"She said she was staying," Santana revealed, looking back to the girl, smiling, thankful.

"Good," Aimee nodded, then, "So what's still bothering you?"

"Now that I've seen her, the thought of leaving her here again, I just… I can't…" she shook her head.

"She'll be okay," Aimee promised. "Tessa and I, we've got her back, don't worry." Santana took in the words, and she knew she could trust them, just as she could trust the girls. "Now come on, she'll be looking for you."

By the end of the day, when it was time for them to go on their way, it was hard to say goodbye, just as it had been a month before. Santana watched her, as she hugged each of them, watched her face dive deeper and deeper into the realization they were going away and she'd be on her own again. One by one, after they'd said their goodbyes, they would clear out of the room, so when Mike had left, it was just the two of them, and neither of them wanted to do this… Silence was winning them.

Santana looked to her, saw her teetering on the balls of her feet, not letting her see her face, and she reacted automatically, moving to wrap her arms around her. She felt Brittany's arms close over her within a second, and just as she knew the blonde was crying, now so was she. "We're not going to do this, okay?" she rubbed at her back. "We're not going to let this tear us down," she breathed deep. "You've got this." She had forgotten how intoxicating of a scent she had… she could lose herself, at the worst time possible, when she was trying to leave her behind. Now she had memories to contend with, times with her, and this last month without her…

"I know, and I want to stay now, but... why does it have to be so hard?"

"That's life for you…" Santana sighed, and Brittany gave a small laugh through her tears. "Think I might need some convincing, too…"

"I couldn't have done it with you," Brittany told her. "Even if we're not in the same city." When they pulled back, catching the other's teary face, they both reached to wipe the streaks away from one another.

"I want you to promise me something, can you do that?" Santana asked, and Brittany nodded. "If something's wrong, you tell me, okay? No matter what."

"I will," she nodded again.

"And I'm going to visit again as soon as I can," Santana told her, getting a smile back. "The only thing that might keep me away is that Alexandra's driven me to homicide…"

"Don't do that," Brittany shook her head.

"I know… Maybe I'll mess with her shampoo." Brittany smirked, leaning to hug her again just as Santana did the same. They held on, silent. "Can we just agree that this part sucks?"

"Yes!" Brittany rapidly agreed, which earned her a tighter squeeze.

"Guess we can't be reunited without saying goodbye first." They'd just pulled away, when Brittany leaned once more, not to hug her but to kiss her. She was surprised, caught off guard, but that only lasted for a moment and she responded. They knew this would be it, that she'd have to leave afterward, and it only added urgency. When the kiss had ended, they'd stood there, catching their breaths.

"Call me when you get there?" Brittany begged. Santana stared in those watery blue eyes.

"I will…"

TO BE CONTINUED (TUESDAY)


	5. The Day You Were Happy

_A/N: Back to #1, for the final two chapters!_

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><p><strong>"Through the Looking Glass"<strong>

**5. The Day You Were Happy**

_One month ago – Lima, Ohio_

She'd woken up that morning and there had been a chill in the air. She couldn't explain it, but she didn't like the feeling of it. Something was happening. The chill had been forgotten when she'd seen an e-mail was waiting – Brittany. It didn't say much, only made three requests: The first was for Santana to bring her laptop to school with her. The second was for her to video call with Mike before Glee Club. The third was to then take the laptop in for her to talk to the club. It was vague, to say the least. This could mean anything, really, good news, bad news… She hoped for good, of course.

Getting to school shortly after, she'd tracked down Mike. "Did she e-mail you, too?" she asked.

"Yeah," he confirmed. "Did she say anything to you about what's going on?"

"No. You?"

"Nothing," he shook his head. She paused to consider this. "I'm sure everything's fine. If it was trouble, she would have said something, right?"

"Right… No, you're right," she nodded, closing her arms before herself… The chill had returned.

The day had gone by, uneventful as ever, as it had been since Brittany's departure for Boston. She'd resisted the urge to text her, write her, anything to know what was happening before their scheduled call, but she decided against it. Better not to precipitate, right?

Finally Mike had come to meet her at her locker – it was time. She took up her laptop and her Cheerio jacket before following him into an empty classroom. Mike had gotten the computer, putting in the call while Santana zipped up her jacket. "You okay?" he'd asked.

"Yeah, just chilly," she'd promised.

When the blonde's face had appeared on the screen, Santana had been taken aback by how little she could read her expression. She always could, always. Had they been apart too long? Was she forgetting, or had Brittany grown, changed? Nervous… that much she could still see.

Then she'd started revealing her news, and Santana could feel the air leave her so cruelly and suddenly, taking away any and all ability to keep it together. Eventually she had felt herself stand and move out of the room. In the hall, her hand searched for the wall, clung to it when she'd found it… She couldn't breathe, not even being dramatic, and for a moment she'd stood there, struggling for air.

This wasn't supposed to happen, not now, not like this… She was supposed to do her time there, and then she was supposed to come home… back to her. She'd always imagined big things for her, and this sacrifice of not having her there for some time would be worth it, because it would lead to so much more for her. Sure, some day she would get her big break, why shouldn't she? She'd get her shot, and Santana… maybe she'd go with her, why not? But now… in high school…

Everything was happening too fast, and what it came down to was that she would be losing her. Would she even get to come home for anything more than visits now, even in the summer? All of a sudden, how things were now was looking to become how things would be from now on, and it was… overwhelming.

Very slowly she felt her breath surge back, in small gasps. And then there was a hand on her back. She looked over her shoulder and she calmed when she saw it was Mike. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"What do you think?" she choked out.

"Do you want me to tell her you'll call back?" Hearing this, she realized Brittany was still on that call, and she must have been freaking out. As always, thinking of Brittany centered her.

"N… No, I'll… Just give me a minute, okay?" she looked to him, and he quietly nodded. "Go tell her so she knows, please?" Again, he nodded, but he held back, hesitating to leave her. He'd been about as close to this as she was, close to them. They hadn't said anything outright, but he knew, and they knew he knew, so it didn't have to go further than that. It left the space for moments like this, with unspoken support extended. She hoped he knew how thankful she was for that, just as Brittany was.

After Mike had gone back to the class and the computer, Santana stood back against the wall, her breath finally returning to something near normal, even if her heart was still going a mile a minute. Every once in a while it seemed she had to remind herself what she'd known for months and months now, when her heart decided to forget or needed to forget and just surrender to the selfish need to have her near. So she repeated it to herself like a mantra. Brittany had earned this. Brittany deserved this. Brittany was happy because of this. She wanted Brittany to be happy. Some days it didn't feel like enough, and she would ask herself 'but what about me?' She hadn't found the ground in between, and now with this revelation the space in between had just tripled in size, if not more. It made finding their peace look more and more hopeless as the pieces revealed themselves.

For now though, she had to go back and talk to her. It took her a moment to check her face, assess the damage. At some point she must have started crying; she'd never felt it. She was just a few steps from her locker and as quick of a fix as she could hope for. She made her way back to the class, and as soon as she entered the scope of the camera, making herself to her, Brittany reacted… She'd found her to be changed earlier, but now she saw those blue eyes and she'd found her again.

Mike had left them to talk. She still found it hard to talk, but for Brittany's sake she'd done her best. Seeing, despite the panic in the blonde's face from when she'd stepped out, the feelings she couldn't identify before, Santana now knew them to be confidence, and she only hated that she could have tarnished that for her. But she could see now, against all odds, how Brittany was ready to jump into this. Her mantra resumed uninterrupted in her mind, and she was able to put Brittany at ease again.

She hadn't stayed for Glee Club, for the revelation to the others. It was better that way, really. Her head was a mess, between trying to reconcile her feelings, her desires, and that damned 'right and wrong.' It was hard enough to be supportive when you were busy trying to support your own breaking heart…

TO BE CONCLUDED (TOMORROW)


	6. The Day I Took the Leap

_A/N: Final chapter! Tomorrow a new cycle, and we're back to shift days, so be on the lookout for morning (one-shot) and afternoon (chapters) updates!_

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><p><strong>"Through the Looking Glass"<strong>

**6. The Day I Took The Leap**

_One month ago – Lima, Ohio_

The last few days had come and gone, but she didn't see them do either of those things. She was on automatic, going through the motions, no hope left that things would get better. Something needed to happen, one way or the other, and until she could figure out what that something was, then she was just… stuck. If and when anyone tried to talk to her about it, she had choice words to turn them away, and no matter how sorry she might have felt on the inside, she couldn't bring herself to say anything.

Her sister had recruited her to do her nails before a birthday party/sleepover at a friend's house the day after next, so being the good big sister she was, Santana had caved in. So now there they sat, with Catalina belly down on her bed and Santana on the ground, painting one nail after the other with care. In doing this, she didn't see how the ten-year-old stared at her, noticed every little break in her face, no matter how much she might have tried to keep them hidden from her.

"You think it's the right color?" she broke the silence, getting her big sister to look up.

"It better be, because I'm not starting over," Santana warned, though her track record said she probably would, if Catalina asked for it.

"But this one has sparkles, and the other one doesn't," she pointed out.

"Yeah, you love your sparkles," Santana smirked at her, got a grin back. When Catalina kept quiet at this point, she had gotten back to work on the nails.

"Tana?" she'd spoken as Santana closed the bottle, done with the second coat. She looked up, finding an almost serious look on the girl's face. At first Santana had believed maybe something was wrong with her, needed to confide in her.

"What's up?" she asked, taking her dear Tali's hands without touching near her still drying nails.

"You know how… everyone always says we're a lot alike, you and me?" Santana smiled.

"Yeah, sometimes too much," she joked, and Catalina smiled.

"So if something is good for me, then it's good for you too, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Santana nodded. "Might depend on what it is. What's the something?" Catalina rolled on to her back, hands and nails 'out of harm's way' as she pushed herself into a seated position and turned back to her sister.

"You always tell me that I should chase my dreams," she explained, and again it made Santana smile, nodding. "Well, maybe it's time you chased yours, too." Now she paused, caught by surprise.

"What makes you say that, honey?" she asked, handling the nail polish bottle, to give her hands something to do, innocently.

"You do. You… you cry a lot lately," Catalina pointed out, and Santana hated that she'd had to notice. "It's because of Brittany, right?" Santana always had difficulty remembering this similarity between the two of them came with this ability to hone in right on something.

_She's it. She's the dream._ The thought had been easy to come by, but what it meant all of a sudden, that was something else. The whole thing had gone from an idea, to a plan, and finally to a decision, in very little time. But then she looked to her sister, still so small despite her impersonations of a sage woman, and she thought about having to leave her behind. If her desires to keep Brittany with her had made her feel selfish, to all but abandon her sister like this… it was even worse. But Catalina had seen right through the shift in her sister's face – she knew.

"Do it," she said, instantly.

"Tali…" she shook her head. "I couldn't…"

"You should always chase your dreams," Catalina recited her sister's words like her very own mantra; she believed them, believed her… All her life, Santana had set the boundaries their parents had set on Catalina. They had learned from experience, with their self-proclaimed similar daughters, taking the first's mistakes to bar the second from doing the same. Now she had a chance to flip that on its head, to lead the way, a revolutionary in showing some risks were worth taking. Catalina looked at her with just that expectation, waited to see what she would do. It was crazy, but then so were they, most times. All she knew was that since it had come to her, the unsteady rhythm in her heart had gone and taken a pace, just as anxious.

She'd gotten up, sitting on the bed to face her little sister, and Catalina knew she had made her choice: she was doing it. "You're going to be okay with this?" Santana had to ask.

"We can talk on the computer. And you'll visit, right?" her smile was impossible not to catch on.

"Try and stop me," she cried the first tears that were happy in a long time, bringing the girl close, minding that she didn't damage her nails in the process. She breathed deep, kissed the side of her head. If it wasn't that Catalina was so on board with her going, leaving her behind would have been even harder than it already was, but her hope was catching on, just as her smile had. "How did I end up with a sister like you?" she sighed, pulling back to look at her little face, pushing her long hair behind her ears.

"Same way I did," Catalina smirked, and they both paused, which made her gasp. "Gross, not like that!" she cringed, which made Santana laugh.

"Pure luck," she promised, pinching the girl's chin. Now she remembered what she had just set out to do, and she felt her brain rush with what needed to be done. "I should probably pack some things," she got up.

"I can look up… How are you going to get there?" Catalina shimmied to stand without help from her hands.

"Train," Santana provided.

"I'll look up schedules," she nodded, moving to her computer.

Santana had gone into her room, not giving too much thought to this process. She'd pulled out suitcases, bags, started putting in anything she thought she might need. The frenzy only paused when she spotted Catalina standing at the door. "Did you find something?" Catalina hesitated.

"What about Mom and Dad?" she slowly asked, and Santana froze. In all this, they'd slipped her mind. "I'll say I don't know," she suggested.

"Can't let you do that," Santana shook her head, running a hand through her hair. Maybe she'd left them out of the equation because it was easier. They would not react as well as Catalina had, without a doubt. But she couldn't turn back now; her mind was made up. After a moment she'd gone and grabbed a notebook and pen, sat on her bed and just started writing… something, anything. Whatever she wrote, it wouldn't be enough for them, she'd have to explain herself. All she could do for now was to promise them that she'd be okay, that she'd call them when she got to where she was going… She paused. "Tomorrow night," she decided, looking back to Catalina. "One more day and then…" Catalina nodded in agreement. Santana looked around her room, in shambles from the rush to pack.

She'd put everything back, at least knowing what she'd need to do on the next night, her true departure. There was no going back; she'd made her decision, and she was sticking with it.

In the end, her choice to remain one more day had been more beneficial than she realized. By doing so, she'd gotten to spend one more day at McKinley, one more afternoon in Glee Club. She must have had the look of one bound for leaving, because by the end of rehearsal, Mike, Quinn, Artie, and Mercedes had all guessed what she was aiming to do. If any of them thought it unwise, they kept it to themselves. But best of all, Artie had told her that he would call to his aunt and uncle in Boston, that they'd gladly let her in to stay for some time. She'd looked to him, the boy she had loathed for a time, and she'd leaned down to hug him.

When she'd walked out of McKinley that day, she knew she wasn't coming back. Perhaps by luck, when she'd arrived home, she found her parents would be out for the evening and she was to watch Catalina. She'd packed her bags again, for real and in less of a disorder. Catalina would go to their neighbor's house until their parents came home. But first, they were due on goodbyes. Santana had crouched to be closer to her eye level.

"After I'm gone…" Santana had started, trying not to cry again, and seeing her little sister was doing the same didn't help, "… don't let anyone tell you…" she sighed, searching for her words. "You, you know why I'm leaving," she looked in her eyes, and Catalina nodded. Santana brought her arms around her, hugging her close. "Love you, Tali," she whispered at her ear.

"Love you, too, Tana," Catalina did the same, voice trembling with repressed tears.

Santana had walked her next door, and Catalina stood outside, watching her walk away, let her go before she could ring the doorbell. Everything was in motion now, no turning back. She made it to the train station, bought her ticket, checked her luggage, took her seat, and as the train pulled out of the station she took as many deep breaths as she needed, reminding herself that one sadness was momentary, and that the joy she would find on the other end was worth every part of it.

X

_Present day – Santana's apartment in Boston_

When Santana's story had coupled to Brittany's own memories, as they'd reached the point in time where they'd been reunited, the room fell silent for a moment. Brittany had listened to all of it, never interrupting except in gesture, reaching to hold the teller's hand, squeeze it at times… Now that it was done, the blonde looked at her with so much admiration, love… Santana took a breath, infinitely in tune with those feelings. What she'd realized even more, in telling her this story, was how much her transition had allowed her understand at least a part of what Brittany must have gone through. At least in Santana's case she had her, and she had Artie's aunt and uncle, and Aimee and Tessa as well… Brittany had none of those, and she'd gotten through it in ways which could only make Santana just as proud as Brittany was of her. Finally it was the blonde who'd spoken up.

"Thank you," she nodded. "For telling me, for… for coming here, living in this… place," she looked around the newly redecorated apartment, still hanging on to the imperfections underneath her work.

"How about next weekend we paint the place?" Santana smiled, and Brittany's head spun back to her.

"Can we?" she begged, and Santana bowed her head. "I'm sure Aimee and Tessa will help, too. You should make this room… green?" she started to get up, but even before Santana could pull her back, she'd resettled, turning to her. "But, you know, it can wait," she shrugged.

"Yeah…" Santana reached for her hand. "We've got plenty of time."

THE END


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